Things Being a BonusMom Has Taught Me

1. Having rules for your kids (especially teens) is good. Having too many rules is BAD. I read a quote the other day that said "Strict parents = sneaky teens". That is the ABSOLUTE truth! The more you tell your teen "No, because I said so!", the more they will think "Yes, because I said so!" Teens will find any way to do what they want. The key seems to be openness and active communication. 

2. Flipping out over small things is BAD. Granted, what's "small" to me is "big" to BM. I have learned not to "flip out" over anything. Especially in front of the kids. 

3. Sometimes it's best to SHUT YOUR DAMN MOUTH AND LISTEN! Your kids (once again, ESPECIALLY TEENS) want to talk to you. Ask a question or just strike up a conversation. I've learned that with SD (almost 15) if I just let her "go off" (foul language and all) I usually learn more than if I correct her profanity or say something. This opens up a whole new world into what SD thinks. 

4. If your teen wants to live with the other parent, allow it! Put personal feelings aside. ***Unless your ex is a convicted child molester, convicted drug or alcohol abuser or has a massive history of violence.*** 9 times out of 10, your ex is NOT the same person as they were during your marriage/divorce. Believe me, your child(ren) will come to resent you if you don't. 

5. Encourage your child to speak nicely about their other parent. When you show anger, hostility or contempt for the other parent, that's what you'll get in return from your child. 

6. Medication (for your child(ren) and counselors will NOT solve your blended family's problems. I'm not bashing counseling or meds as a whole but working on yourself more than you work on your child(ren) could solve more problems than you think. 

7. Never, ever, ever block your ex from accessing records, visitation or communication. ***If there is a court order blocking access, that's one thing.*** It's a whole new ball game when one parent thinks "I don't have to let my ex into my child's life."*** Even if you have sole legal custody, that doesn't mean the other parent doesn't have rights. 

8. If your ex is working and their spouse has the child, CC your ex's spouse in any changes to schedules, doctors appointments, school activities, ect. ESPECIALLY IMMEDIATE ONES! 

9. It's okay to dislike someone, just don't pull the two-faced card. Be nice for the sake of the kids but never hold your anger in for years and years and then let a third party express your feelings for you. Think of "co-parenting" like your job. You may not like your coworkers BUT you can work together to "finish the project". 

10. Last, but not least, share. Share happy moments, sad moments, accomplishments, disasters, ect. with the other parent. Share time. Share feelings (hard to do with a narcissist since they will most likely use your failures against you in the future). The more you hide about your child, the more strain will be put on your co-parent relationship. I'm not saying to text/call/email the other parent each time little Suzy goes potty or Tim makes a basket but sometimes the little "shares" will show the other parent that you want them to be a part of the child(ren)'s life. A little appreciation and respect goes a long way. 

These are just my little tidbits of information. Take them or leave them. I am in no way giving professional or legal advice. Just a stepmom hoping to make kids lives a little easier in a blended family setting. 

Christmas break-School Starting 2012/2013

I sit here with tears streaming down my face. This is the first time in 13 years that we have had SD14 for more than 5 days in a row. We had her 10 days for this Christmas break. I will take her to school tomorrow with a smile on my face, pretending that nothing is bothering me. BM will let her walk about a mile to her house from school tomorrow and we won't see her for another 10 days. I know that there are parents who haven't seen their children/stepchildren in months or years. I know my "story" isn't as horrible as most people and I know it isn't the greatest either. That doesn't make me think I should be happier for the time we do get or madder that others have more time. It actually makes me think "I wish we had more time". Selfish? Yep! I can admit that. I can admit that this first time of having her for more than an extended weekend is bittersweet. I have gotten so use to the 2-3 days we have her that I thought "This extended period could very well be a disaster." But then in the next second I think "It could never be a disaster because we all love each other."

I went into this "visitation" (damn, I hate that word! It seems like we are in jail and she is just getting to visit us) thinking of all the things that could go wrong and thinking of all the things that could go right. I am very blessed to have the relationship I have with her. Now I feel like a piece of my heart is being ripped out.

I know there is a probability that BM thinks the same way when SD leaves her house to come here. I hope that she does. Not because I want her to hurt but I hope she loves SD as much as I do.

How do I cope with it? I just have to. I just have to remember, no matter how painful it is, that she isn't my child, not in the laws eyes and not in societies eyes. In my eyes she will forever be that little girl that I made peanut butter crackers for, the little girl who I put band aids on her scrapes, that little girl who asked me at the age of 10 if she could call me "mom", that little girl who is now growing to become a woman.

I just hope that one day she knows how much I love her, how much I worry about her, how much I have cried for her and how much I hope my role in her life hasn't screwed her up.

Unfinished Marriage???

Last year I was told by SD's counselor "Never get in the middle of an unfinished marriage, just sayin'." He, SD's counsler, had posted a status about creating our own drama; most of the time it is based on real or percieved notions we have of events and people in our lives and that we write our own story for our lives. To me, that meant "You dictate how your life will be. If you feel happy, you will be happy. If you feel anger, you will be angry. Outsiders" don't have to make your life "Hell", you do that yourself. Your thoughts and actions are what makes you the person you are, not the actions of others.
I wrote "Thanks, *counselor*, I needed this today.
*Counselor's* reply was "You are welcome - ignore everyone's crap - especially those closest to you 'cause they want to simply make you a minor supporting character in their story and abandon your role as hero of your own story."
I wrote back: "It's a little bit more complicated than that but I am trying my damnedest to take the higher road and realize that I might have created drama unintentionally...or even intentionally but I thought it would service my needs at the time. And some of the drama wasn't mine to begin with...it was brought to me and has festered for years and years."
Now, I completely understand how *Counselor* would jump to the conclusion that I was talking about DH and BM but I wasn't. I was talking about MY MOM and MY DAD. Meeting my father a month before my 18th birthday was in some ways, tramatic for me. Don't get me wrong, it was great! But I remember still thinking those crazy little kid thoughts of "My parents are in the same room! Yay! Maybe they will get back together and I will have my family back!" Granted they hadn't seen or spoken to each other in 18 years, I had just met my dad and I don't remember ever having a "family" with both parents under the same roof. I saw them getting along, I saw, with my own eyes, them being able to talk, laugh and joke together. I guess it was an automatic reaction to want them to get back together. My mom had moved on and had another child and my dad had three, yet in my silly mind I thought "Who cares about their lives? I want a "normal" life. I want to come home to my mom making dinner, my dad lounging in the recliner and me running in and saying "Look! I got an A on my spelling test" and them saying how awesome that was, then we'd all sit down for dinner and talk about our day, say good night, get and give hugs and kisses and wake up in the morning rushing off to school/work with "Have a great day! I love you!" from both of my parents". I knew this wasn't rational thinking yet I did it anyway. My dad is in construction and last year when my mom needed work done on her house my automatic response was "Dad can do it!" and when I talked to my dad I said "Mom needs work done on her house, you could do it!". Even at 28, I was still hoping they would somehow reconnect, not for their sakes but for mine. It brought tension into the picture, between my mom and dad, me and my mom and my dad and me. I didn't do it to create drama, I did it because I wanted a family. Even though I have been married for almost 11 years, have a SD and three children of my own, I was still that little kid wishing and hoping that I could get my parents back together.
So it was a shock to me when he wrote back "Never get in the middle of an unfinished marriage, just sayin'." I kept thinking ""Unfinished"? What in the Hell is he talking about?" It wasn't until DH got home that afternoon and I told him about it that he said "Maybe *counselor* is talking about BM and my marriage." Then the lightbulb went off in my head and it was a "Eureka" moment! Ah-ha! But what in the Hell had happened? So I messaged *counselor* and said "I would love to hear your definition of an "unfinished marriage".
*Counselor* replied: "An unfinished marriage is one in which the "divorced" couple are truly not indifferent to one another - the opposite of love is not hate it is indifference - love and hate are different edges of passion. Once a couple is finished they don't fight about stuff they simply figure out ways to make where their lives intersect as ok as possible. Usually where there are children there is unfinished business - trying to figure out who slighted who and who is the winner and loser its a nast business - in anyone's situation. It is why I never "married" anyone who has children from someone else. Who needs the headache of unfinished marriages. Children involved there is almost always going to be unfinished business."
That got me to thinking "Does DH "hate" BM? Or is he indifferent?" So I asked DH. His reply was "I don't hate BM, I hate the things she has done to me and my daughter and the relationship between me and my daughter. I don't care what she does in her life as long as it isn't affecting my daughter." To me, that was the definition of "indifference". DH loves and cares about his daughter but BM could do whatever she wanted in her life and DH wouldn't care. So did BM and DH have an "unfinished marriage"? IMO, DH thought the marriage was finished when BM kicked him out of his home and BM filed for divorce. The marriage was finished then. BM has never gotten over DH (even her new husband admits it) and so on BM's side their marriage is "unfinished". Over the next 6 months I paid more attention to DH's attempts to contact *counselor*. It was apparent that BM had a close relationship with *counselor* since she was trying to get her sessions with SD and *counselor* billed under DH's insurance using SD's name. DH had never been invited to this "family counseling" and since it wasn't covered by his insurance DH was going to have to pay 80% of it, not realizing that it wasn't for SD, it was for BM. BM had never said a word about going to counseling WITH SD until it was brought up because our insurance doesn't cover "family counseling", it did and does cover SD's "psychotherapy". In the past year and a half, DH has tried so many times to get in touch with *counselor* yet he won't return DH's phone calls. DH did take SD to an appt over the summer and *counselor* asked DH to come the next day to talk. It was the one and only time *counselor* has ever talked to DH (which was very confusing to me because *counselor* told DH that SD would be better off living with DH and yet when asked to speak at court the next month, *counselor* had to get "served" and even then wouldn't produce SD's records). Yet BM calls *counselor* and *counselor* returns her calls within an hour.
So I have been wondering: If *counselor* isn't a neutral party, then is he really helping SD? Does he believe what BM says and that is contributing to the "unfinished marriage" portion of his reply? How can *counselor* basically say he is against people getting married if they have children from previous relationships and then think he can be objective in counseling children of divorce? How does my role impact his counseling? Should I go talk with *counselor*? Would that be "getting in the middle"? Or do I just hope that *counselor* isn't turning SD against DH and me?
*Counselor* has already told SD14 "Your dad just wants you to live with him so he doesn't have to pay child support." Really? To me, that is coming out of BM's mouth. I don't want to come across as not wanting SD to live with us but DH and I didn't "want" that, SD did! We had never entertained the idea until SD brought it up four years ago. We didn't plan on moving to SD's town with the intent of "Hey, lets talk SD into moving in with us so we don't have to pay BM child support." We moved here wanting a closer relationship with SD, to see her grow, to watch her excel in school and activities, to let her siblings be a part of her life and her a part of their lives.
So, where do I go from here? I just take it one day at a time and if that is too hard, I take it one hour at a time and if that is still too hard, I take it one minute at a time or one breath at a time. I don't know what the "right" thing to do is in this situation. I don't even really know if I should call this a "situation". I just know that it doesn't feel right to me. *Counselor* not talking to DH, SD listening to BM and *counselor* tell her things that are just not true and most of all I don't think *Counselor* should judge me, DH or any aspect that involves me or DH without talking to us and only going off of what he has heard BM and SD14 tell him.

It's hard

I read a lot of blogs, tweets, Facebook posts/comments and articles of the trials, tribulations, joyous occasions and lack of communication between parents. This post will probably seem like a rambling, modpodge of nothingness, but I assure you it comes from my personal experiences.
Today, I had a sit down talk with SD14. She was dropped off by BM Thursday night for our EOWE "visitation". I hate and loath the word "visitation". To me it seems like our family is in prison and therefore we only get "visitation" and limited amounts of time with SD. Anywho, we last had her for Thanksgiving. A lot of my anger and frustrations had been building up and we had traveled 500 miles to visit my hometown and friends for Thanksgiving. Between the zillion texts/calls from BM and the new meds that BM had got SD14 put on, I snapped on the way home. I admit it, when I feel like something isn't right, I have to say something and most times it comes out in a loud horrible way if I have held it bottled up inside. So when SD's phone once again buzzed from yet another text fron BM asking what time we woke up, what time we left, what time did we have lunch, where did we have lunch, what were we having for dinner, I went a little crazy. It is stated plain and simple in the parenting plan that is filed with the courts that the parents are not to question the "child" about the happenings when the "child" is with the other parent. If you have read my previous blog posts, you know that SD has been wanting to live with us for 4 years and yet when the opportunity presents itself, she clams up because BM has been sitting next to her the entire time. Well, I let loose. I said I didn't understand how and why she answers BM's texts/calls when she is with us because it just makes SD feel extremely bad since BM will call her a "bitch" (which I have heard) if SD doesn't tell BM exactly what she wants to hear. I couldn't understand how she "hates" BM and SF but takes up for them at any point and time that they do something wrong. It's been two weeks since my "explostion" and SD came over Thursday night and didn't say a word to me. I understood and gave her the space that she needed. The next morning (Friday) on my 15 mile drive to take SD to school, she was acting like the night before didn't happen, like my "TNT moment" didn't happen two weeks ago. We laughed at the idiot that got pulled over for obviously speeding, we sung songs together, we joked about the cows who were "making babies" in the fields we passed.
So today (Saturday) I sat down with SD14 and asked for her to explain in her own words why she was still mad at me up until Friday morning and she said "Because you told the truth." Hmmm, I thought "I told the truth?" and then I said my thoughts out loud and she said "Yes, you told the truth and I knew it was the truth but I didn't want to believe it." I know being a teenager stuck in the middle of all this mess must be a horrendous experience but I couldn't understand why she was mad at me for telling the truth. SD and I have a great relationship (even when we fight/misunderstand each other). We always know that no matter what the other one will still be there, waiting, with love and support no matter what circumstances come our way. We laugh together, we cry together, we are like best buddies and she talks to me about anything and everything that she feels she can't talk about with BM and DH. I think she is finally realizing that she has to be mad at someone for the situation she is in and I am the easiest target. I don't mind being the person that is blamed for everything, I just like to know exactly where I stand with people and if she needed to be mad at me for telling the truth because BM lies and manipulates SD, then that will be my role.
I try not to take the silence to heart because I know, first hand, how hard it is to be torn between your parents who love you. I know that her alliance will mostly stand with BM no matter what happens and I just have to sit aside and watch the tears stream down her face when she knows that she is suppose  to love her mother no matter what but can't voice her wants/needs/opinions because she is "just the child". I feel such pain and sorrow that SD has to suffer for wanting to live with her dad and me.
So, this post is for my SD whom no matter what happens in her life, I love with all my heart. I cherish our conversations, I understand the silence (when it happens) and I just hope she knows that I will always be there for her, despite time, distance, loves and hurts. I'm here.

Is it about control?

DH has been requesting his daughter’s insurance cards from BM for two months now. SD is not only covered by DH's insurance but Stepdad’s insurance AND Medicaid AND a supplemental insurance company. It has been excuse after excuse as to why he hasn't got a copy or duplicate yet. First it was that the doctor was listed wrong on the insurance. What does that have to do with the card? Am I just insane for thinking that the doctor listed doesn't have any effect on the actual card? Tonight’s excuse was that BM has requested a duplicate be mailed to HER so that she can give it to him. So, he has joint custody but the card has to be sent through her? Why doesn't she just give the insurance company his address and information so that he can be a contact as well? Or why can’t BM give us the insurance's name and WE will get our own card.

I often wonder if me getting mad about these petty, minor things are even worth the effort. Should DH have the same rights as BM? Why shouldn’t he???????? Why does BM have to have control over every single thing instead of truly co-parenting?

When I bring it up with DH he says I "just like to fight". Damn straight! I want to fight for his rights, fight for equality between the parents, fight for SD's needs. What would happen if something happened to SD and we didn't have her insurance information? We are going out of state this coming week so it is more important (to me) that we have that information. Feedback????? Advice??? Anything would be welcome!  

It's a Happy/Sad Day

Today is my 29th birthday. My dear husband (DH) woke me up this morning with about 8 Happy Birthday's, a bunch of kisses and a whole lot of hugs before he left for work. My mom called me. My stepdad (SD) called me bright and early. My grandparents called. ***They all live in a different state than I do.*** My two best friends called. My kids all told me happy birthday. I got a couple of birthday ecards, numerous texts and a bunch of fb posts. DH got me a cake and a pink rose with a FABULOUS card and the kids got me a funny card with a pot of flowers. Overall it was a pretty good birthday. So that was my "happy" part, why should I be sad?

Well, it is now 10:15 pm where my "dad" lives and I haven't heard from him. This is why I am such a strong believer in father's rights. I have an amazing husband who sacrifices so much to make sure his family is cared for and loved, would do anything for his children and has tried to be in his daughters life for 14 years but has been shut out, denied and make to feel like a crappy father when he is anything but.

My "dad", on the other hand, couldn't even take 5 seconds out of his day to send me a text. Don't get me wrong, I am extremely thankful for the people I have in my life. I know that there is nothing I can do to change my "dad" but I can't help but be hopeful that one day he will realize what an awesomely great daughter he has in me. Maybe that day will never come. Maybe it will be tomorrow. I don't know. All I do know is that sitting here writing this with tears streaming down my face, I wish all dads would be like my husband. Wanting to be a part of their child's lives. Remembering birthdays, holidays and special occasions. All I want for my birthday is to know I'm loved by the one and only father that I will ever have, to know that I am on his mind and for him to realize that even at the age of 29, it still hurts that he doesn't want to be a part of my life. I wish moms would look at the grown women of today, that didn't have their fathers in their lives, and realize the pain and hurt that they have. Girls need their fathers, they need their love, support, advice and attention. This is simply my point of view, being a girl, daughter, wife and mother.

Just thinkin'......

     I have been pondering what goes through a woman's mind when they divorce/break up with their "baby daddy" and why they try and poison their child's minds against the "other parent". If you have read my previous posts then you know that I am both a biomom and a stepmom. I don't remember being angry when my son's dad and I broke up. In fact, it was kind of a relief. I remember just wanting to get out of that relationship that was leading absolutely nowhere. Granted I was 16 at the time and 4 months pregnant, but I remember thinking "I am sad that we are breaking up but for my mental and physical health (being pregnant and emotional, he wasn't physically abusive) this is the best thing that can be done." I remember thinking "No matter WHAT happens between me and him, I would never keep my son and him from each other. I know what it is like to grow up without a father in my life and I want something different for my children." Needless to say, HE didn't want the same thing for our child that I wanted. Which makes me think (all the time) "Why do these moms who have children, do their damnedest to keep the fathers out of their children's lives? What goes on in their heads thinking that a child shouldn't have the love, support, time, physical and emotional support/care from both of their parents? Am I the crazy one to want my children (and the children of others) to have both parents in their lives?"
     I can only think of one answer: "No, I am NOT the crazy one. I am the parent that actually means "the best interest of the child" when I say it." A lot of people have twisted the phrase "the best interest of the child" into a financial meaning. Supporting a child is NOT just financial, it is emotional, physical, mental and financial. So why isn't there a standard for "Child Support" that ISN'T only financial? Financial should be last (in my eyes) because our society is one that tries to take care of each other. There are many programs (W.I.C., medicaid, TANF, ect) that will take care of the financial aspect of raising a child IF, AND ONLY IF, the parents are unable to do so and these programs should be used only in a time of dire circumstances and for a limited time, they shouldn't be used as a permanent solution.
    Children should not be used as a weapon against the other parent, a reason to have an income or an incentive to seperate parents from children for the state or court system (using the financial incintives that the states and court systems get for each dollar of CS money they are bringing in). When circumstances permit (location of both parents and the lack of abuse of any kind), 50/50 custody should be the norm, child support should be non-existant (in this case) and once the child reaches a certain age (12?) they should be able to decide on where/when they spend their time. None of this "The judge can listen to their optinion but will make the decision." BS. These are the child's PARENTS and the child's LIFE! If they want to spend more time with mom, let them. If they want to spend more time with dad, let them. PA, HAP and other child abuse should be STOPPED BY THE COURT SYSTEM! It shouldn't be ignored, it should be PUNISHED!

Here are two petitions, one to change the family court system and the other against parental alienation. Happy Wednesday!

https://petitions.whitehouse.gov/petition/make-changes-family-courts-and-child-suport-collection-agency/nWjl9f8X


https://petitions.whitehouse.gov/petition/stop-parental-alienation-usa/n7l1tFHP