Christmas break-School Starting 2012/2013

I sit here with tears streaming down my face. This is the first time in 13 years that we have had SD14 for more than 5 days in a row. We had her 10 days for this Christmas break. I will take her to school tomorrow with a smile on my face, pretending that nothing is bothering me. BM will let her walk about a mile to her house from school tomorrow and we won't see her for another 10 days. I know that there are parents who haven't seen their children/stepchildren in months or years. I know my "story" isn't as horrible as most people and I know it isn't the greatest either. That doesn't make me think I should be happier for the time we do get or madder that others have more time. It actually makes me think "I wish we had more time". Selfish? Yep! I can admit that. I can admit that this first time of having her for more than an extended weekend is bittersweet. I have gotten so use to the 2-3 days we have her that I thought "This extended period could very well be a disaster." But then in the next second I think "It could never be a disaster because we all love each other."

I went into this "visitation" (damn, I hate that word! It seems like we are in jail and she is just getting to visit us) thinking of all the things that could go wrong and thinking of all the things that could go right. I am very blessed to have the relationship I have with her. Now I feel like a piece of my heart is being ripped out.

I know there is a probability that BM thinks the same way when SD leaves her house to come here. I hope that she does. Not because I want her to hurt but I hope she loves SD as much as I do.

How do I cope with it? I just have to. I just have to remember, no matter how painful it is, that she isn't my child, not in the laws eyes and not in societies eyes. In my eyes she will forever be that little girl that I made peanut butter crackers for, the little girl who I put band aids on her scrapes, that little girl who asked me at the age of 10 if she could call me "mom", that little girl who is now growing to become a woman.

I just hope that one day she knows how much I love her, how much I worry about her, how much I have cried for her and how much I hope my role in her life hasn't screwed her up.