It's hard

I read a lot of blogs, tweets, Facebook posts/comments and articles of the trials, tribulations, joyous occasions and lack of communication between parents. This post will probably seem like a rambling, modpodge of nothingness, but I assure you it comes from my personal experiences.
Today, I had a sit down talk with SD14. She was dropped off by BM Thursday night for our EOWE "visitation". I hate and loath the word "visitation". To me it seems like our family is in prison and therefore we only get "visitation" and limited amounts of time with SD. Anywho, we last had her for Thanksgiving. A lot of my anger and frustrations had been building up and we had traveled 500 miles to visit my hometown and friends for Thanksgiving. Between the zillion texts/calls from BM and the new meds that BM had got SD14 put on, I snapped on the way home. I admit it, when I feel like something isn't right, I have to say something and most times it comes out in a loud horrible way if I have held it bottled up inside. So when SD's phone once again buzzed from yet another text fron BM asking what time we woke up, what time we left, what time did we have lunch, where did we have lunch, what were we having for dinner, I went a little crazy. It is stated plain and simple in the parenting plan that is filed with the courts that the parents are not to question the "child" about the happenings when the "child" is with the other parent. If you have read my previous blog posts, you know that SD has been wanting to live with us for 4 years and yet when the opportunity presents itself, she clams up because BM has been sitting next to her the entire time. Well, I let loose. I said I didn't understand how and why she answers BM's texts/calls when she is with us because it just makes SD feel extremely bad since BM will call her a "bitch" (which I have heard) if SD doesn't tell BM exactly what she wants to hear. I couldn't understand how she "hates" BM and SF but takes up for them at any point and time that they do something wrong. It's been two weeks since my "explostion" and SD came over Thursday night and didn't say a word to me. I understood and gave her the space that she needed. The next morning (Friday) on my 15 mile drive to take SD to school, she was acting like the night before didn't happen, like my "TNT moment" didn't happen two weeks ago. We laughed at the idiot that got pulled over for obviously speeding, we sung songs together, we joked about the cows who were "making babies" in the fields we passed.
So today (Saturday) I sat down with SD14 and asked for her to explain in her own words why she was still mad at me up until Friday morning and she said "Because you told the truth." Hmmm, I thought "I told the truth?" and then I said my thoughts out loud and she said "Yes, you told the truth and I knew it was the truth but I didn't want to believe it." I know being a teenager stuck in the middle of all this mess must be a horrendous experience but I couldn't understand why she was mad at me for telling the truth. SD and I have a great relationship (even when we fight/misunderstand each other). We always know that no matter what the other one will still be there, waiting, with love and support no matter what circumstances come our way. We laugh together, we cry together, we are like best buddies and she talks to me about anything and everything that she feels she can't talk about with BM and DH. I think she is finally realizing that she has to be mad at someone for the situation she is in and I am the easiest target. I don't mind being the person that is blamed for everything, I just like to know exactly where I stand with people and if she needed to be mad at me for telling the truth because BM lies and manipulates SD, then that will be my role.
I try not to take the silence to heart because I know, first hand, how hard it is to be torn between your parents who love you. I know that her alliance will mostly stand with BM no matter what happens and I just have to sit aside and watch the tears stream down her face when she knows that she is suppose  to love her mother no matter what but can't voice her wants/needs/opinions because she is "just the child". I feel such pain and sorrow that SD has to suffer for wanting to live with her dad and me.
So, this post is for my SD whom no matter what happens in her life, I love with all my heart. I cherish our conversations, I understand the silence (when it happens) and I just hope she knows that I will always be there for her, despite time, distance, loves and hurts. I'm here.