Unfinished Marriage???

Last year I was told by SD's counselor "Never get in the middle of an unfinished marriage, just sayin'." He, SD's counsler, had posted a status about creating our own drama; most of the time it is based on real or percieved notions we have of events and people in our lives and that we write our own story for our lives. To me, that meant "You dictate how your life will be. If you feel happy, you will be happy. If you feel anger, you will be angry. Outsiders" don't have to make your life "Hell", you do that yourself. Your thoughts and actions are what makes you the person you are, not the actions of others.
I wrote "Thanks, *counselor*, I needed this today.
*Counselor's* reply was "You are welcome - ignore everyone's crap - especially those closest to you 'cause they want to simply make you a minor supporting character in their story and abandon your role as hero of your own story."
I wrote back: "It's a little bit more complicated than that but I am trying my damnedest to take the higher road and realize that I might have created drama unintentionally...or even intentionally but I thought it would service my needs at the time. And some of the drama wasn't mine to begin with...it was brought to me and has festered for years and years."
Now, I completely understand how *Counselor* would jump to the conclusion that I was talking about DH and BM but I wasn't. I was talking about MY MOM and MY DAD. Meeting my father a month before my 18th birthday was in some ways, tramatic for me. Don't get me wrong, it was great! But I remember still thinking those crazy little kid thoughts of "My parents are in the same room! Yay! Maybe they will get back together and I will have my family back!" Granted they hadn't seen or spoken to each other in 18 years, I had just met my dad and I don't remember ever having a "family" with both parents under the same roof. I saw them getting along, I saw, with my own eyes, them being able to talk, laugh and joke together. I guess it was an automatic reaction to want them to get back together. My mom had moved on and had another child and my dad had three, yet in my silly mind I thought "Who cares about their lives? I want a "normal" life. I want to come home to my mom making dinner, my dad lounging in the recliner and me running in and saying "Look! I got an A on my spelling test" and them saying how awesome that was, then we'd all sit down for dinner and talk about our day, say good night, get and give hugs and kisses and wake up in the morning rushing off to school/work with "Have a great day! I love you!" from both of my parents". I knew this wasn't rational thinking yet I did it anyway. My dad is in construction and last year when my mom needed work done on her house my automatic response was "Dad can do it!" and when I talked to my dad I said "Mom needs work done on her house, you could do it!". Even at 28, I was still hoping they would somehow reconnect, not for their sakes but for mine. It brought tension into the picture, between my mom and dad, me and my mom and my dad and me. I didn't do it to create drama, I did it because I wanted a family. Even though I have been married for almost 11 years, have a SD and three children of my own, I was still that little kid wishing and hoping that I could get my parents back together.
So it was a shock to me when he wrote back "Never get in the middle of an unfinished marriage, just sayin'." I kept thinking ""Unfinished"? What in the Hell is he talking about?" It wasn't until DH got home that afternoon and I told him about it that he said "Maybe *counselor* is talking about BM and my marriage." Then the lightbulb went off in my head and it was a "Eureka" moment! Ah-ha! But what in the Hell had happened? So I messaged *counselor* and said "I would love to hear your definition of an "unfinished marriage".
*Counselor* replied: "An unfinished marriage is one in which the "divorced" couple are truly not indifferent to one another - the opposite of love is not hate it is indifference - love and hate are different edges of passion. Once a couple is finished they don't fight about stuff they simply figure out ways to make where their lives intersect as ok as possible. Usually where there are children there is unfinished business - trying to figure out who slighted who and who is the winner and loser its a nast business - in anyone's situation. It is why I never "married" anyone who has children from someone else. Who needs the headache of unfinished marriages. Children involved there is almost always going to be unfinished business."
That got me to thinking "Does DH "hate" BM? Or is he indifferent?" So I asked DH. His reply was "I don't hate BM, I hate the things she has done to me and my daughter and the relationship between me and my daughter. I don't care what she does in her life as long as it isn't affecting my daughter." To me, that was the definition of "indifference". DH loves and cares about his daughter but BM could do whatever she wanted in her life and DH wouldn't care. So did BM and DH have an "unfinished marriage"? IMO, DH thought the marriage was finished when BM kicked him out of his home and BM filed for divorce. The marriage was finished then. BM has never gotten over DH (even her new husband admits it) and so on BM's side their marriage is "unfinished". Over the next 6 months I paid more attention to DH's attempts to contact *counselor*. It was apparent that BM had a close relationship with *counselor* since she was trying to get her sessions with SD and *counselor* billed under DH's insurance using SD's name. DH had never been invited to this "family counseling" and since it wasn't covered by his insurance DH was going to have to pay 80% of it, not realizing that it wasn't for SD, it was for BM. BM had never said a word about going to counseling WITH SD until it was brought up because our insurance doesn't cover "family counseling", it did and does cover SD's "psychotherapy". In the past year and a half, DH has tried so many times to get in touch with *counselor* yet he won't return DH's phone calls. DH did take SD to an appt over the summer and *counselor* asked DH to come the next day to talk. It was the one and only time *counselor* has ever talked to DH (which was very confusing to me because *counselor* told DH that SD would be better off living with DH and yet when asked to speak at court the next month, *counselor* had to get "served" and even then wouldn't produce SD's records). Yet BM calls *counselor* and *counselor* returns her calls within an hour.
So I have been wondering: If *counselor* isn't a neutral party, then is he really helping SD? Does he believe what BM says and that is contributing to the "unfinished marriage" portion of his reply? How can *counselor* basically say he is against people getting married if they have children from previous relationships and then think he can be objective in counseling children of divorce? How does my role impact his counseling? Should I go talk with *counselor*? Would that be "getting in the middle"? Or do I just hope that *counselor* isn't turning SD against DH and me?
*Counselor* has already told SD14 "Your dad just wants you to live with him so he doesn't have to pay child support." Really? To me, that is coming out of BM's mouth. I don't want to come across as not wanting SD to live with us but DH and I didn't "want" that, SD did! We had never entertained the idea until SD brought it up four years ago. We didn't plan on moving to SD's town with the intent of "Hey, lets talk SD into moving in with us so we don't have to pay BM child support." We moved here wanting a closer relationship with SD, to see her grow, to watch her excel in school and activities, to let her siblings be a part of her life and her a part of their lives.
So, where do I go from here? I just take it one day at a time and if that is too hard, I take it one hour at a time and if that is still too hard, I take it one minute at a time or one breath at a time. I don't know what the "right" thing to do is in this situation. I don't even really know if I should call this a "situation". I just know that it doesn't feel right to me. *Counselor* not talking to DH, SD listening to BM and *counselor* tell her things that are just not true and most of all I don't think *Counselor* should judge me, DH or any aspect that involves me or DH without talking to us and only going off of what he has heard BM and SD14 tell him.

It's hard

I read a lot of blogs, tweets, Facebook posts/comments and articles of the trials, tribulations, joyous occasions and lack of communication between parents. This post will probably seem like a rambling, modpodge of nothingness, but I assure you it comes from my personal experiences.
Today, I had a sit down talk with SD14. She was dropped off by BM Thursday night for our EOWE "visitation". I hate and loath the word "visitation". To me it seems like our family is in prison and therefore we only get "visitation" and limited amounts of time with SD. Anywho, we last had her for Thanksgiving. A lot of my anger and frustrations had been building up and we had traveled 500 miles to visit my hometown and friends for Thanksgiving. Between the zillion texts/calls from BM and the new meds that BM had got SD14 put on, I snapped on the way home. I admit it, when I feel like something isn't right, I have to say something and most times it comes out in a loud horrible way if I have held it bottled up inside. So when SD's phone once again buzzed from yet another text fron BM asking what time we woke up, what time we left, what time did we have lunch, where did we have lunch, what were we having for dinner, I went a little crazy. It is stated plain and simple in the parenting plan that is filed with the courts that the parents are not to question the "child" about the happenings when the "child" is with the other parent. If you have read my previous blog posts, you know that SD has been wanting to live with us for 4 years and yet when the opportunity presents itself, she clams up because BM has been sitting next to her the entire time. Well, I let loose. I said I didn't understand how and why she answers BM's texts/calls when she is with us because it just makes SD feel extremely bad since BM will call her a "bitch" (which I have heard) if SD doesn't tell BM exactly what she wants to hear. I couldn't understand how she "hates" BM and SF but takes up for them at any point and time that they do something wrong. It's been two weeks since my "explostion" and SD came over Thursday night and didn't say a word to me. I understood and gave her the space that she needed. The next morning (Friday) on my 15 mile drive to take SD to school, she was acting like the night before didn't happen, like my "TNT moment" didn't happen two weeks ago. We laughed at the idiot that got pulled over for obviously speeding, we sung songs together, we joked about the cows who were "making babies" in the fields we passed.
So today (Saturday) I sat down with SD14 and asked for her to explain in her own words why she was still mad at me up until Friday morning and she said "Because you told the truth." Hmmm, I thought "I told the truth?" and then I said my thoughts out loud and she said "Yes, you told the truth and I knew it was the truth but I didn't want to believe it." I know being a teenager stuck in the middle of all this mess must be a horrendous experience but I couldn't understand why she was mad at me for telling the truth. SD and I have a great relationship (even when we fight/misunderstand each other). We always know that no matter what the other one will still be there, waiting, with love and support no matter what circumstances come our way. We laugh together, we cry together, we are like best buddies and she talks to me about anything and everything that she feels she can't talk about with BM and DH. I think she is finally realizing that she has to be mad at someone for the situation she is in and I am the easiest target. I don't mind being the person that is blamed for everything, I just like to know exactly where I stand with people and if she needed to be mad at me for telling the truth because BM lies and manipulates SD, then that will be my role.
I try not to take the silence to heart because I know, first hand, how hard it is to be torn between your parents who love you. I know that her alliance will mostly stand with BM no matter what happens and I just have to sit aside and watch the tears stream down her face when she knows that she is suppose  to love her mother no matter what but can't voice her wants/needs/opinions because she is "just the child". I feel such pain and sorrow that SD has to suffer for wanting to live with her dad and me.
So, this post is for my SD whom no matter what happens in her life, I love with all my heart. I cherish our conversations, I understand the silence (when it happens) and I just hope she knows that I will always be there for her, despite time, distance, loves and hurts. I'm here.

Is it about control?

DH has been requesting his daughter’s insurance cards from BM for two months now. SD is not only covered by DH's insurance but Stepdad’s insurance AND Medicaid AND a supplemental insurance company. It has been excuse after excuse as to why he hasn't got a copy or duplicate yet. First it was that the doctor was listed wrong on the insurance. What does that have to do with the card? Am I just insane for thinking that the doctor listed doesn't have any effect on the actual card? Tonight’s excuse was that BM has requested a duplicate be mailed to HER so that she can give it to him. So, he has joint custody but the card has to be sent through her? Why doesn't she just give the insurance company his address and information so that he can be a contact as well? Or why can’t BM give us the insurance's name and WE will get our own card.

I often wonder if me getting mad about these petty, minor things are even worth the effort. Should DH have the same rights as BM? Why shouldn’t he???????? Why does BM have to have control over every single thing instead of truly co-parenting?

When I bring it up with DH he says I "just like to fight". Damn straight! I want to fight for his rights, fight for equality between the parents, fight for SD's needs. What would happen if something happened to SD and we didn't have her insurance information? We are going out of state this coming week so it is more important (to me) that we have that information. Feedback????? Advice??? Anything would be welcome!  

It's a Happy/Sad Day

Today is my 29th birthday. My dear husband (DH) woke me up this morning with about 8 Happy Birthday's, a bunch of kisses and a whole lot of hugs before he left for work. My mom called me. My stepdad (SD) called me bright and early. My grandparents called. ***They all live in a different state than I do.*** My two best friends called. My kids all told me happy birthday. I got a couple of birthday ecards, numerous texts and a bunch of fb posts. DH got me a cake and a pink rose with a FABULOUS card and the kids got me a funny card with a pot of flowers. Overall it was a pretty good birthday. So that was my "happy" part, why should I be sad?

Well, it is now 10:15 pm where my "dad" lives and I haven't heard from him. This is why I am such a strong believer in father's rights. I have an amazing husband who sacrifices so much to make sure his family is cared for and loved, would do anything for his children and has tried to be in his daughters life for 14 years but has been shut out, denied and make to feel like a crappy father when he is anything but.

My "dad", on the other hand, couldn't even take 5 seconds out of his day to send me a text. Don't get me wrong, I am extremely thankful for the people I have in my life. I know that there is nothing I can do to change my "dad" but I can't help but be hopeful that one day he will realize what an awesomely great daughter he has in me. Maybe that day will never come. Maybe it will be tomorrow. I don't know. All I do know is that sitting here writing this with tears streaming down my face, I wish all dads would be like my husband. Wanting to be a part of their child's lives. Remembering birthdays, holidays and special occasions. All I want for my birthday is to know I'm loved by the one and only father that I will ever have, to know that I am on his mind and for him to realize that even at the age of 29, it still hurts that he doesn't want to be a part of my life. I wish moms would look at the grown women of today, that didn't have their fathers in their lives, and realize the pain and hurt that they have. Girls need their fathers, they need their love, support, advice and attention. This is simply my point of view, being a girl, daughter, wife and mother.

Just thinkin'......

     I have been pondering what goes through a woman's mind when they divorce/break up with their "baby daddy" and why they try and poison their child's minds against the "other parent". If you have read my previous posts then you know that I am both a biomom and a stepmom. I don't remember being angry when my son's dad and I broke up. In fact, it was kind of a relief. I remember just wanting to get out of that relationship that was leading absolutely nowhere. Granted I was 16 at the time and 4 months pregnant, but I remember thinking "I am sad that we are breaking up but for my mental and physical health (being pregnant and emotional, he wasn't physically abusive) this is the best thing that can be done." I remember thinking "No matter WHAT happens between me and him, I would never keep my son and him from each other. I know what it is like to grow up without a father in my life and I want something different for my children." Needless to say, HE didn't want the same thing for our child that I wanted. Which makes me think (all the time) "Why do these moms who have children, do their damnedest to keep the fathers out of their children's lives? What goes on in their heads thinking that a child shouldn't have the love, support, time, physical and emotional support/care from both of their parents? Am I the crazy one to want my children (and the children of others) to have both parents in their lives?"
     I can only think of one answer: "No, I am NOT the crazy one. I am the parent that actually means "the best interest of the child" when I say it." A lot of people have twisted the phrase "the best interest of the child" into a financial meaning. Supporting a child is NOT just financial, it is emotional, physical, mental and financial. So why isn't there a standard for "Child Support" that ISN'T only financial? Financial should be last (in my eyes) because our society is one that tries to take care of each other. There are many programs (W.I.C., medicaid, TANF, ect) that will take care of the financial aspect of raising a child IF, AND ONLY IF, the parents are unable to do so and these programs should be used only in a time of dire circumstances and for a limited time, they shouldn't be used as a permanent solution.
    Children should not be used as a weapon against the other parent, a reason to have an income or an incentive to seperate parents from children for the state or court system (using the financial incintives that the states and court systems get for each dollar of CS money they are bringing in). When circumstances permit (location of both parents and the lack of abuse of any kind), 50/50 custody should be the norm, child support should be non-existant (in this case) and once the child reaches a certain age (12?) they should be able to decide on where/when they spend their time. None of this "The judge can listen to their optinion but will make the decision." BS. These are the child's PARENTS and the child's LIFE! If they want to spend more time with mom, let them. If they want to spend more time with dad, let them. PA, HAP and other child abuse should be STOPPED BY THE COURT SYSTEM! It shouldn't be ignored, it should be PUNISHED!

Here are two petitions, one to change the family court system and the other against parental alienation. Happy Wednesday!

https://petitions.whitehouse.gov/petition/make-changes-family-courts-and-child-suport-collection-agency/nWjl9f8X


https://petitions.whitehouse.gov/petition/stop-parental-alienation-usa/n7l1tFHP

New

Just letting everyone know, I have started a different Facebook page. You can search "Being the other parent" or (I'm pretty sure) it is www.facebook.com/BTOPbeingtheotherparent
I'm on my cell so I can't seem to copy/paste the URL right. Thanks for y'all's support!!!!

It's not so important to know the law BUT your attorney should!

A couple of weeks ago our attorney put in a motion for modification of child support depending on the time sharing agreement. Since DH and BM came to an agreement in mediation over custody and since the agreement they came to didn't affect custody so much that it would change child support, the motion became BMs. BMs attorney was not prepared at all for trial (even though this was the third time BM had asked for a continuance). BMs attorney went in asking the judge for $800/ month for child support without any financial proof going off of what her client was requesting. BMs attorney didn't draw up any child support worksheets, never requested DHs income but because her client wanted it raised she was going to ask for it (which I think doesn't go over well with judges). BM said that DH brags to her about his income (lie). Long story short DHs attorney mopped the floor with BMs attorney, as did the judge. DHs attorney said it was fine with her and her client that CS stayed the same. The judge said there wasn't a substancial enough increase or decrease to support a change. Needless to say BMs attorney had no idea what was going on. I am extremely happy with the outcome. Does paying child support for a child who wants to live with you at least half of the time suck? Hell yeah it does. But at least we aren't paying more just because BM wants us to. So overall it was a good day. BM is already griping about it but then says "it's not about the money." Hmmm, well, you could've fooled me!  (***Look at my previous blogs on CS and custody and you will understand my P.O.V. on CS and why in this case I think that BM IS all about the money.)

My advice is: make sure your attorney is competent. Make sure your attorney knows the laws and is prepared for trial (even if it isn't their motion). The saying "You are what you eat" applies to this case except it should be changed to "You are who you hire." Be prepared to spend some $ if you are going to court. If you hire a "dumb" attorney, you will get "dumb" representation. Happy Monday everyone!!!!!!

Personal View on CS

I had a friend ask me today if I was against child support and this was my response:


Nope. I'm completely against BM taking DH to court for more child support when he is paying $600/month for one child, plus pays for her insurance plus 80% of anything not covered by insurance. Meanwhile, BM sold her business, is now a stay-at-home mom (which doesn't bother me because she can do what she wants BUT the state we live in is a dual income state so both parents income comes into consideration and by law she doesn't have to work unless the "parties" have a child under 6), she won't produce any of her income for the last 4 years because GUESS WHAT? She doesn't pay taxes and never has. And now she told her attorney that DH has been "rubbing his raise and paycheck" in her face. When in fact he hasn't "talked" to her in 6 months (all they do is email and text), she has been the one (and I have it recorded) telling him how busy she is at her work, how she is booked solid for 4 months in advance and how she has 4 weddings scheduled that she will bring in $300-500 for working each of those Saturdays and DH hasn't got a raise in the last year. I think child support should be a requirement BUT not an income. Especially when SD doesn't want to live with BM anymore, is only passing P.E. and one other class and has missed 36 classes so far this year...yet BM wants more child support for the kid that is on depression meds, has written two suicide notes and tells her cousins and friends that she would rather run away or be dead because she doesn't want to live with BM anymore because BM won't let her see us.
So, when a child is used against a parent just for money, then yes, I am against child support. When child support is actually used to support the child and not the mother, I am all for it. But when a mother wants to quit her job to stay at home with children who are NOT her ex's then she still needs to financially take care of the older one (especially when she quits her job to take care of younger children that she chose to have) and not want the dad to cover 100% of BM's needs while SD is missing school, failing and has suicidal thoughts over her living situation.


***I will add that SD is a teenager so the rule of not working does not apply to BM. And when I say "she still needs to financially take care of the older one" I don't mean BM should be the only one responsible BUT BM should do her part. DH didn't quit his job and stop paying CS just because he had kids with someone else. Would that have been acceptable? NO!

In The Beginning....

“Lyn” here, I am going to take you back in time to September 1999. I was 15, a sophomore in High School and met a guy. He was 21, had a job and also came with a soon to be ex-wife and 1 ½ year old daughter that lived in a different state.

*My mom was absolutely against our dating. Not only because of the age difference (although that was the major disagreement we had) but because he had already been married, divorced and had a child. Don’t get me wrong, my mom understood how it was to be a single mother. Sorry to out my mother but she has been married 5 times and 3 of them had “baby mommas" along with their drama. My mom thought I was too young to be involved with someone who had already “lived”. Looking back, I wouldn’t change any of it but I do agree with her. I grew up too fast.*

So back to “my” story, “this” guy, “Wayne”, was the absolute LOVE of my life. It was literally love at first sight for both of us. Although he didn’t want to jump into a relationship before he got back on his feet. It had been about 4 months since his “wife”, Ann, had kicked him out, filed for divorce and he had moved 7 hours away to be closer to his parents and siblings. Needless to say, he needed to “get his life together” before he jumped into another relationship, especially with the age difference. A month after we met each other his divorce was finalized. “Wayne” never received divorce papers, was never notified of any court date so he wasn’t present at the hearing. We dated for about 6 months before my mom put a stop to it. We both moved on but stayed in contact with each other. I was one of the “16 and pregnant” girls. When I was 8 months pregnant with “Joe’s” baby, “Wayne” and I got back together. A month after I had “Richard”, “Wayne” and I traveled the 7 hours to go see his daughter, “Casey” for the weekend. Two months after we returned we moved in with each other when “Richard” was 3 months old. Then 10 months after my son, “Richard”, was born I had my daughter, “Nicole” with “Wayne”. We got married when “Nicole” was 3 months old and I had just turned 18.

We made numerous trips to see “Casey” and “Casey” came and stayed with us. Phone calls were made so that “Wayne” could talk to his daughter. He might not have been in the running for “Father of the Year” but he did make an effort. In 2002, He received a package in the mail saying that because “Ann” had applied for assistance from the state they were taking him to court for back child support. When we traveled to his “home” state we went to the courthouse to get a copy of their divorce decree. We had never thought to get a copy of it to look over because “Ann” was being cordial and letting us see “Casey” whenever we could. When we got a copy of it, it said “Ann” had asked for and was granted “sole custody” because “Wayne” hadn’t shown up for court. The only sentence about custody states:

“Petitioner is a fit and proper person to have the care, custody and control of the minor child of the parties, subject to reasonable supervised visitation rights with the Respondent.”

The only sentence in the whole divorce decree about child support states:

“Petitioner is currently receiving AFDC, so child support is not an issue at this time.”

Looking at the whole file (in May of 2012) it was shown that “Wayne” had never been served papers, there wasn’t an announcement in the newspaper but there was a paper stating that the summons for court was delivered to an address in “Ann’s” town. There isn’t a signature for who was served the paper, “Wayne” wasn’t even physically in his “home” state and the paper that states someone was served was a format from a different state with the state marked out and his “home” state written in. When this was brought up in court we were told that the statute of limitations had been exceeded and there was nothing we could do to correct it unless we wanted to take “Ann” back to court for custody and file personal charges against her. Since “Ann” was being so cooperative with visitation we decided to just let it stay the way it was. We were 7 hours away and she was having to do most, if not all, of the parenting so it wasn’t a big deal to us that she had sole custody.

*****The informational part of my post today would be to make sure you take time out to go to the court house and look at the ENTIRE file of your divorce (if you had one) and your child custody/support case. Do not count on your lawyer (if you have one) to give you copies of all of the papers that are filed. Do not count on the courthouse, law enforcement or someone else to serve you copies of all of the papers in the file. IF YOU DO NOT HAVE THE TIME, ASK A FRIEND OR FAMILY MEMBER TO GO FOR YOU!!! Most divorces/custody cases are PUBLIC RECORD.

 Look up the statutes in your state AND with the federal government so that you know your rights. I have found that a lot of states do not give information about subjects in their State statutes because they are covered under federal statutes. The statute of limitation can be anywhere from 30 days to never and if there is falsified papers that were filed then you must point them out to your attorney or the judge before the statute of limitations runs out. Otherwise you just have to accept what was filed. Remember, it is easier to fix a problem while it is going on than to try and fix any errors after it is filed away. If you are changing the oil on your car you will usually check the water, filters and wires to prevent any additional work later down the line. It’s the same with custody/child support/divorce. Don’t put it off. *****

Thanks for reading! I will have another post in the next couple of days or week. Happy Tuesday!!!! J