Things Being a BonusMom Has Taught Me

1. Having rules for your kids (especially teens) is good. Having too many rules is BAD. I read a quote the other day that said "Strict parents = sneaky teens". That is the ABSOLUTE truth! The more you tell your teen "No, because I said so!", the more they will think "Yes, because I said so!" Teens will find any way to do what they want. The key seems to be openness and active communication. 

2. Flipping out over small things is BAD. Granted, what's "small" to me is "big" to BM. I have learned not to "flip out" over anything. Especially in front of the kids. 

3. Sometimes it's best to SHUT YOUR DAMN MOUTH AND LISTEN! Your kids (once again, ESPECIALLY TEENS) want to talk to you. Ask a question or just strike up a conversation. I've learned that with SD (almost 15) if I just let her "go off" (foul language and all) I usually learn more than if I correct her profanity or say something. This opens up a whole new world into what SD thinks. 

4. If your teen wants to live with the other parent, allow it! Put personal feelings aside. ***Unless your ex is a convicted child molester, convicted drug or alcohol abuser or has a massive history of violence.*** 9 times out of 10, your ex is NOT the same person as they were during your marriage/divorce. Believe me, your child(ren) will come to resent you if you don't. 

5. Encourage your child to speak nicely about their other parent. When you show anger, hostility or contempt for the other parent, that's what you'll get in return from your child. 

6. Medication (for your child(ren) and counselors will NOT solve your blended family's problems. I'm not bashing counseling or meds as a whole but working on yourself more than you work on your child(ren) could solve more problems than you think. 

7. Never, ever, ever block your ex from accessing records, visitation or communication. ***If there is a court order blocking access, that's one thing.*** It's a whole new ball game when one parent thinks "I don't have to let my ex into my child's life."*** Even if you have sole legal custody, that doesn't mean the other parent doesn't have rights. 

8. If your ex is working and their spouse has the child, CC your ex's spouse in any changes to schedules, doctors appointments, school activities, ect. ESPECIALLY IMMEDIATE ONES! 

9. It's okay to dislike someone, just don't pull the two-faced card. Be nice for the sake of the kids but never hold your anger in for years and years and then let a third party express your feelings for you. Think of "co-parenting" like your job. You may not like your coworkers BUT you can work together to "finish the project". 

10. Last, but not least, share. Share happy moments, sad moments, accomplishments, disasters, ect. with the other parent. Share time. Share feelings (hard to do with a narcissist since they will most likely use your failures against you in the future). The more you hide about your child, the more strain will be put on your co-parent relationship. I'm not saying to text/call/email the other parent each time little Suzy goes potty or Tim makes a basket but sometimes the little "shares" will show the other parent that you want them to be a part of the child(ren)'s life. A little appreciation and respect goes a long way. 

These are just my little tidbits of information. Take them or leave them. I am in no way giving professional or legal advice. Just a stepmom hoping to make kids lives a little easier in a blended family setting. 

Christmas break-School Starting 2012/2013

I sit here with tears streaming down my face. This is the first time in 13 years that we have had SD14 for more than 5 days in a row. We had her 10 days for this Christmas break. I will take her to school tomorrow with a smile on my face, pretending that nothing is bothering me. BM will let her walk about a mile to her house from school tomorrow and we won't see her for another 10 days. I know that there are parents who haven't seen their children/stepchildren in months or years. I know my "story" isn't as horrible as most people and I know it isn't the greatest either. That doesn't make me think I should be happier for the time we do get or madder that others have more time. It actually makes me think "I wish we had more time". Selfish? Yep! I can admit that. I can admit that this first time of having her for more than an extended weekend is bittersweet. I have gotten so use to the 2-3 days we have her that I thought "This extended period could very well be a disaster." But then in the next second I think "It could never be a disaster because we all love each other."

I went into this "visitation" (damn, I hate that word! It seems like we are in jail and she is just getting to visit us) thinking of all the things that could go wrong and thinking of all the things that could go right. I am very blessed to have the relationship I have with her. Now I feel like a piece of my heart is being ripped out.

I know there is a probability that BM thinks the same way when SD leaves her house to come here. I hope that she does. Not because I want her to hurt but I hope she loves SD as much as I do.

How do I cope with it? I just have to. I just have to remember, no matter how painful it is, that she isn't my child, not in the laws eyes and not in societies eyes. In my eyes she will forever be that little girl that I made peanut butter crackers for, the little girl who I put band aids on her scrapes, that little girl who asked me at the age of 10 if she could call me "mom", that little girl who is now growing to become a woman.

I just hope that one day she knows how much I love her, how much I worry about her, how much I have cried for her and how much I hope my role in her life hasn't screwed her up.