Unfinished Marriage???

Last year I was told by SD's counselor "Never get in the middle of an unfinished marriage, just sayin'." He, SD's counsler, had posted a status about creating our own drama; most of the time it is based on real or percieved notions we have of events and people in our lives and that we write our own story for our lives. To me, that meant "You dictate how your life will be. If you feel happy, you will be happy. If you feel anger, you will be angry. Outsiders" don't have to make your life "Hell", you do that yourself. Your thoughts and actions are what makes you the person you are, not the actions of others.
I wrote "Thanks, *counselor*, I needed this today.
*Counselor's* reply was "You are welcome - ignore everyone's crap - especially those closest to you 'cause they want to simply make you a minor supporting character in their story and abandon your role as hero of your own story."
I wrote back: "It's a little bit more complicated than that but I am trying my damnedest to take the higher road and realize that I might have created drama unintentionally...or even intentionally but I thought it would service my needs at the time. And some of the drama wasn't mine to begin with...it was brought to me and has festered for years and years."
Now, I completely understand how *Counselor* would jump to the conclusion that I was talking about DH and BM but I wasn't. I was talking about MY MOM and MY DAD. Meeting my father a month before my 18th birthday was in some ways, tramatic for me. Don't get me wrong, it was great! But I remember still thinking those crazy little kid thoughts of "My parents are in the same room! Yay! Maybe they will get back together and I will have my family back!" Granted they hadn't seen or spoken to each other in 18 years, I had just met my dad and I don't remember ever having a "family" with both parents under the same roof. I saw them getting along, I saw, with my own eyes, them being able to talk, laugh and joke together. I guess it was an automatic reaction to want them to get back together. My mom had moved on and had another child and my dad had three, yet in my silly mind I thought "Who cares about their lives? I want a "normal" life. I want to come home to my mom making dinner, my dad lounging in the recliner and me running in and saying "Look! I got an A on my spelling test" and them saying how awesome that was, then we'd all sit down for dinner and talk about our day, say good night, get and give hugs and kisses and wake up in the morning rushing off to school/work with "Have a great day! I love you!" from both of my parents". I knew this wasn't rational thinking yet I did it anyway. My dad is in construction and last year when my mom needed work done on her house my automatic response was "Dad can do it!" and when I talked to my dad I said "Mom needs work done on her house, you could do it!". Even at 28, I was still hoping they would somehow reconnect, not for their sakes but for mine. It brought tension into the picture, between my mom and dad, me and my mom and my dad and me. I didn't do it to create drama, I did it because I wanted a family. Even though I have been married for almost 11 years, have a SD and three children of my own, I was still that little kid wishing and hoping that I could get my parents back together.
So it was a shock to me when he wrote back "Never get in the middle of an unfinished marriage, just sayin'." I kept thinking ""Unfinished"? What in the Hell is he talking about?" It wasn't until DH got home that afternoon and I told him about it that he said "Maybe *counselor* is talking about BM and my marriage." Then the lightbulb went off in my head and it was a "Eureka" moment! Ah-ha! But what in the Hell had happened? So I messaged *counselor* and said "I would love to hear your definition of an "unfinished marriage".
*Counselor* replied: "An unfinished marriage is one in which the "divorced" couple are truly not indifferent to one another - the opposite of love is not hate it is indifference - love and hate are different edges of passion. Once a couple is finished they don't fight about stuff they simply figure out ways to make where their lives intersect as ok as possible. Usually where there are children there is unfinished business - trying to figure out who slighted who and who is the winner and loser its a nast business - in anyone's situation. It is why I never "married" anyone who has children from someone else. Who needs the headache of unfinished marriages. Children involved there is almost always going to be unfinished business."
That got me to thinking "Does DH "hate" BM? Or is he indifferent?" So I asked DH. His reply was "I don't hate BM, I hate the things she has done to me and my daughter and the relationship between me and my daughter. I don't care what she does in her life as long as it isn't affecting my daughter." To me, that was the definition of "indifference". DH loves and cares about his daughter but BM could do whatever she wanted in her life and DH wouldn't care. So did BM and DH have an "unfinished marriage"? IMO, DH thought the marriage was finished when BM kicked him out of his home and BM filed for divorce. The marriage was finished then. BM has never gotten over DH (even her new husband admits it) and so on BM's side their marriage is "unfinished". Over the next 6 months I paid more attention to DH's attempts to contact *counselor*. It was apparent that BM had a close relationship with *counselor* since she was trying to get her sessions with SD and *counselor* billed under DH's insurance using SD's name. DH had never been invited to this "family counseling" and since it wasn't covered by his insurance DH was going to have to pay 80% of it, not realizing that it wasn't for SD, it was for BM. BM had never said a word about going to counseling WITH SD until it was brought up because our insurance doesn't cover "family counseling", it did and does cover SD's "psychotherapy". In the past year and a half, DH has tried so many times to get in touch with *counselor* yet he won't return DH's phone calls. DH did take SD to an appt over the summer and *counselor* asked DH to come the next day to talk. It was the one and only time *counselor* has ever talked to DH (which was very confusing to me because *counselor* told DH that SD would be better off living with DH and yet when asked to speak at court the next month, *counselor* had to get "served" and even then wouldn't produce SD's records). Yet BM calls *counselor* and *counselor* returns her calls within an hour.
So I have been wondering: If *counselor* isn't a neutral party, then is he really helping SD? Does he believe what BM says and that is contributing to the "unfinished marriage" portion of his reply? How can *counselor* basically say he is against people getting married if they have children from previous relationships and then think he can be objective in counseling children of divorce? How does my role impact his counseling? Should I go talk with *counselor*? Would that be "getting in the middle"? Or do I just hope that *counselor* isn't turning SD against DH and me?
*Counselor* has already told SD14 "Your dad just wants you to live with him so he doesn't have to pay child support." Really? To me, that is coming out of BM's mouth. I don't want to come across as not wanting SD to live with us but DH and I didn't "want" that, SD did! We had never entertained the idea until SD brought it up four years ago. We didn't plan on moving to SD's town with the intent of "Hey, lets talk SD into moving in with us so we don't have to pay BM child support." We moved here wanting a closer relationship with SD, to see her grow, to watch her excel in school and activities, to let her siblings be a part of her life and her a part of their lives.
So, where do I go from here? I just take it one day at a time and if that is too hard, I take it one hour at a time and if that is still too hard, I take it one minute at a time or one breath at a time. I don't know what the "right" thing to do is in this situation. I don't even really know if I should call this a "situation". I just know that it doesn't feel right to me. *Counselor* not talking to DH, SD listening to BM and *counselor* tell her things that are just not true and most of all I don't think *Counselor* should judge me, DH or any aspect that involves me or DH without talking to us and only going off of what he has heard BM and SD14 tell him.

It's hard

I read a lot of blogs, tweets, Facebook posts/comments and articles of the trials, tribulations, joyous occasions and lack of communication between parents. This post will probably seem like a rambling, modpodge of nothingness, but I assure you it comes from my personal experiences.
Today, I had a sit down talk with SD14. She was dropped off by BM Thursday night for our EOWE "visitation". I hate and loath the word "visitation". To me it seems like our family is in prison and therefore we only get "visitation" and limited amounts of time with SD. Anywho, we last had her for Thanksgiving. A lot of my anger and frustrations had been building up and we had traveled 500 miles to visit my hometown and friends for Thanksgiving. Between the zillion texts/calls from BM and the new meds that BM had got SD14 put on, I snapped on the way home. I admit it, when I feel like something isn't right, I have to say something and most times it comes out in a loud horrible way if I have held it bottled up inside. So when SD's phone once again buzzed from yet another text fron BM asking what time we woke up, what time we left, what time did we have lunch, where did we have lunch, what were we having for dinner, I went a little crazy. It is stated plain and simple in the parenting plan that is filed with the courts that the parents are not to question the "child" about the happenings when the "child" is with the other parent. If you have read my previous blog posts, you know that SD has been wanting to live with us for 4 years and yet when the opportunity presents itself, she clams up because BM has been sitting next to her the entire time. Well, I let loose. I said I didn't understand how and why she answers BM's texts/calls when she is with us because it just makes SD feel extremely bad since BM will call her a "bitch" (which I have heard) if SD doesn't tell BM exactly what she wants to hear. I couldn't understand how she "hates" BM and SF but takes up for them at any point and time that they do something wrong. It's been two weeks since my "explostion" and SD came over Thursday night and didn't say a word to me. I understood and gave her the space that she needed. The next morning (Friday) on my 15 mile drive to take SD to school, she was acting like the night before didn't happen, like my "TNT moment" didn't happen two weeks ago. We laughed at the idiot that got pulled over for obviously speeding, we sung songs together, we joked about the cows who were "making babies" in the fields we passed.
So today (Saturday) I sat down with SD14 and asked for her to explain in her own words why she was still mad at me up until Friday morning and she said "Because you told the truth." Hmmm, I thought "I told the truth?" and then I said my thoughts out loud and she said "Yes, you told the truth and I knew it was the truth but I didn't want to believe it." I know being a teenager stuck in the middle of all this mess must be a horrendous experience but I couldn't understand why she was mad at me for telling the truth. SD and I have a great relationship (even when we fight/misunderstand each other). We always know that no matter what the other one will still be there, waiting, with love and support no matter what circumstances come our way. We laugh together, we cry together, we are like best buddies and she talks to me about anything and everything that she feels she can't talk about with BM and DH. I think she is finally realizing that she has to be mad at someone for the situation she is in and I am the easiest target. I don't mind being the person that is blamed for everything, I just like to know exactly where I stand with people and if she needed to be mad at me for telling the truth because BM lies and manipulates SD, then that will be my role.
I try not to take the silence to heart because I know, first hand, how hard it is to be torn between your parents who love you. I know that her alliance will mostly stand with BM no matter what happens and I just have to sit aside and watch the tears stream down her face when she knows that she is suppose  to love her mother no matter what but can't voice her wants/needs/opinions because she is "just the child". I feel such pain and sorrow that SD has to suffer for wanting to live with her dad and me.
So, this post is for my SD whom no matter what happens in her life, I love with all my heart. I cherish our conversations, I understand the silence (when it happens) and I just hope she knows that I will always be there for her, despite time, distance, loves and hurts. I'm here.